JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

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26 Feb 2007 6:06 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.




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28 Feb 2007 10:47 AM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

eric´s avatar

>>>>>>
>>>>>>*        These are genuine clips from British Council flat (apartment)
>>>>>>tenants
>>>>>> > complaining to the Council about problems with their flats
>>>>>>
>>>>>>*
>>>>>>
>>>>>>*
>>>>>> >  1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage
>>>>>>has  fungus growing in it.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I
>>>>>> > just
>>>>>>can't take it anymore.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every
>>>>>> > morning
>>>>>>at 6  a.m.his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
>>>>>>please do  something about the noise made by the man on top of me
>>>>>>every
>>>>>>night.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls
>>>>>> > against
>>>>>>my fence.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
>>>>>>satisfy my  wife.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
>>>>>> > the
>>>>>>wall.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife
>>>>>>tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50%
>>>>>> > are
>>>>>> > plain filthy.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until
>>>>>> > it
>>>>>>is  cleared.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
>>>>>>colour & amp; not fit to drink.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
>>>>>>burnt my knob off.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden,
>>>>>> > which
>>>>>>is  unsightly and dangerous.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like
>>>>>> > a
>>>>>>third  so please send someone round to do something about it.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
>>>>>> > when
>>>>>>he  put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
>>>>>
>>>>>> >  20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside
>>>>>> > toilet
>>>>>>roof.  I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off
>>>>>> >
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>

_______________________



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01 Mar 2007 9:58 AM by FibbyUK Star rating in UK, Surrey & Playa F.... 2349 posts Send private message

FibbyUK´s avatar
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy
nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.
**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card
with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
 "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
**************************************************
**************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

_______________________

FibbyUK

One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:

http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/

 




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01 Mar 2007 12:35 PM by Rixxy Star rating in San Pedro. 2010 posts Send private message

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Defense Attorney:
>>> Will you please state your age?
>>>
>>> Little Old Lady:
>>> I am 86 years old.
>>>
>>> Defense Attorney:
>>> Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the
>>>night of
>>>April 1st?
>>>
>>> Little Old Lady:
>>> There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch
>>>on a warm
>>>spring evening,
>>> when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat
>>>down beside
>>>me.
>>>
>>> Defense Attorney:
>>> Did you know him?
>>>
>>> Little Old Lady:
>>> No, but he sure was friendly.
>>>
>>> Defense Attorney:
>>> What happened after he sat down?
>>>
>>> Little Old Lady:
>>> He started to rub my thigh.
>>>
>>> Defense Attorney:
>>> Did you stop him?
>>>
>>> Little Old Lady:
>>> No, I didn't stop him.
>>>
>>> Defense Attorney:
>>> Why not?
>>>
>>> Little Old Lady:
>>> It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died
>>>some 30
>>>years ago.
>>>
>>> Defense Attorney:
>>> What happened next?
>>>
>>> Little Old Lady:
>>> He began to rub my breasts.
>>>
>>> Defense Attorney:
>>> Did you stop him then?
>>>
>>> Little Old Lady:
>>> No, I did not stop him.
>>>
>>> Defense Attorney:
>>> Why not?
>>>
>>> Little Old Lady:
>>> His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't
>>>felt that
>>>good in years!
>>>
>>> Defense Attorney:
>>> What happened next?
>>>
>>> Little Old Lady:
>>> Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid
>>>down and
>>>told him
>>> "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
>>>
>>> Defense Attorney:
>>> Did he take you?
>>>
>>> Little Old Lady:
>>> Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I
>>>shot him,
>>>the little bastard.

_______________________

Quite frankly m'dear, I don't give a damn!

www.herbalmarbella.com




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01 Mar 2007 3:39 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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01 Mar 2007 3:59 PM by sunnyside Star rating in UK/Duquesa. 95 posts Send private message

sunnyside´s avatar
 

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told
him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife
for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you
know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now
has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey,
please... just one more time before I die ?" She says,"Of course, dear."
And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Ralph, however,
worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more
hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. " Honey, I have only 4 more hours, do
you think we could............. " ?
At this point the wife sits up and says,
"Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... You don't.."

 




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01 Mar 2007 4:07 PM by sunnyside Star rating in UK/Duquesa. 95 posts Send private message

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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen that read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived!

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.



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01 Mar 2007 8:32 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

eric´s avatar

                                                                    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                                                            Never hold your farts in

                                                          They travel up your spine,into your brain,

                                                          and that is where shitty ideas come from !!!!


_______________________



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01 Mar 2007 10:34 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

Smiley´s avatar
BRILLIANT Eric - moved me to tears (of the crocodile type)

_______________________

Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




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02 Mar 2007 1:42 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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02 Mar 2007 5:30 AM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

02 Mar 2007 5:31 AM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

02 Mar 2007 1:14 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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02 Mar 2007 1:34 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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02 Mar 2007 1:50 PM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

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Thanks, Janice.  Will bear that in mind when I have more photos to post.




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02 Mar 2007 1:54 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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02 Mar 2007 2:00 PM by Darren Ward Star rating in Lytham St Annes & Ju.... 277 posts Send private message

Darren Ward´s avatar

My poor contribution!!

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag-line...

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

 

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Duracell condoms - keep going and going.

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop

Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide

FCUK condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.

Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!! (Eeeuww!!.....)

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole

The Manchester United Condom... One Yank and your whole world falls apart

 


_______________________

Darren & Michelle R17 - No.54

www.santaana-pm.com




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02 Mar 2007 2:16 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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02 Mar 2007 2:24 PM by Darren Ward Star rating in Lytham St Annes & Ju.... 277 posts Send private message

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Trouble with soooo many posts

Can't keep up !


_______________________

Darren & Michelle R17 - No.54

www.santaana-pm.com




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02 Mar 2007 2:50 PM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

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