| The Comments |
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
|
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than600employees and has the following employee statistics?
29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
9 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year
Which organization is this?
It's the 635 members of the House of Commons
0
Like
|
>> WOMAN'S PRAYER
> >> Before I lay me down to sleep,
> >> I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
> >> One who's handsome, smart and strong.
> >> One who loves to listen long,
> >> One who thinks before he speaks,
> >> One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
> >> I pray he's gainfully employed,
> >> When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
> >> Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
> >> Massages my back and begs to do more.
> >> Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
> >> Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
> >> I pray that this man will love me to no end,
> >> And always be my very best friend.
> >>
> >> MAN'S PRAYER
> >> I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
> >> who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
> >> doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
0
Like
|
Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".
"No," said Blair , "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair . "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f***ng accident either!"
0
Like
|
Pacman, now I do feel old!!!!!!!
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
0
Like
|
|
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said ,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as
the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I don't have any clean clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor who,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh,
and remember...
we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak.
|
|
|
0
Like
|
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large,
>raging, violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man
>prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
>
>Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
>across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
>
>After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me
>strength and the tools to cross the river."
>
>Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was
>able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
>
>Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God,
>please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
>this river."
>Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
>hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.
>GO AHEAD!
>SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH
0
Like
|
Three men crossing a river, quite funny especialy the bit about a woman reading a map!!
Sean
0
Like
|
|
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with
rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and
set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved
up his backside.
_______________________
David
0
Like
|
Two jumper cables go into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you but don't you start anything."
_______________________
Alan
0
Like
|
Maybe I posted it in the wrong thread............
Just thought I wold share a funny true story with you all.
My company had a "green" day and gave away evergy saving light bulbs, so I got my Daughter two.
I rang her and my Grandson Ben answered. (he was 4 last month). I said to him, "tell Mummy I have got her two light bulbs", which he did.
He then said "Mummy said how much are they?", so I said, "tell her there free",so he said "Nanny said there free".
My Daughter said "Ask Nanny again how many she got?"
I replied "tell her I got two".
To which Ben said, but you just said you got free Nanny, so how many have you got, two or free!"
Kids eh, don't you just love 'em!
_______________________
FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
0
Like
|
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
>
>1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
>he was God and I didn't.
>2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
>3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
>4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
>
>
> 5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
> 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to>me
> 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
> 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
> 9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
> 10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
> 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
>why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
> 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
> 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
> 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
> 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
> 16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
> 17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew
>up.
> 18.. Procrastinate Now!
> 19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
> 20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
> 21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
> 22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
> 23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
> 24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
> 25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
>thousand times the memory.
> 26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
>for a pig.
> 27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
> 28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
> 29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
0
Like
|
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|